I wonder what Aliana is doing. Probably taking care of others. That’s how she is. Caring. Fei sighed. It took no effort at all to pull up her face, her smile, her soft touch. I hope she will move on, get over me. Soldiers die all the time after all. We barely dated if having meals together can be considered a date… I hope she don’t forget me though… I don’t want to be—

 

A strap was released from around his face. Fei flinched. Without a word of warning, a wet swab forced itself into his mouth and swished around inside. He resented the intrusion. But it was also a signal that the usual morning routine had started. At least, that’s how he marked it in his mind. This mouth washing thing — morning. It gave him something to build a pattern around. 

 

After that rather exciting day, filled with information, the cycle returned to its boring routine. Fei was slowly going out of his mind. This was an endless nightmare he was stuck in felt like death. So far, ten wakes in, nothing had changed. 

 

Did I dream it all up?

​

Fei froze. That was an unpleasant thought. Doubt gnawed at him for a moment. The pair of hands cleaning his face jostled the tube down his throat. It scrapped against the much irritated and sore fresh within. Tears pricked his eyes. 

 

No, no, no. This is real. I’m not dreaming. This must be real.

 

Anxiety washed over him as he squeezed his eyes shut. Pricking his ears up, he did his best to catch any and all information. But there was no chatter, no conversation going over his head. There was only a pair of hands working their way through the routine. 

 

Beyond knowing that he and Aarin were here, likely stuck in the same situation, there was no word about the rest of their squad. If they weren’t here, it was unlikely they survived. This made them the only two super-soldiers left. No wonder Fox and Surco wanted to experiment the new formulation on them. What good were they now anyway? Objectively, he understood. But emotionally, he was mad. 

 

Please! Please just talk to me…

 

The swab was removed, the strap was tightened. The breathing tube was once again firmly secured against his face. Something tugged at the feeding tube in his nostril. Then, it stopped. A fullness, slowly but surely, filled his belly as his bed started moving. The wheels screamed all the way. Fei wanted to join in with his voice. As abruptly it started moving, it stopped. Footsteps left his earshot. 

 

Come back. Someone, anyone. Please talk to me… Aliana, where are you?

 

----

 

A future. Ha! How fucking stupid are we, Joy?

 

Silence met their question. 

 

Aarin held back their tears despite the lump in their throat. There was nothing to cry about. The new formula could fix this. Whatever the fuck this was. Or it would kill them, and they would be done with it. These they gleaned from whispered conversations between nurses just beyond their privacy curtain. Silverblade hadn’t been back. If she did, she didn’t speak again. 

 

A wedding, kids and everything. I wanted it all. I guess I was being greedy.

 

Aarin sighed. They turned their attention back to the two pairs of hands that worked on them. They had gotten to know their differences well. One pair gentle, respectful, the other pair harsh, rough and merciless. If they could take a guess, Correa was the nice one, and Garbina the shitty one. Mostly because Correa took care to never expose their chest. At least that way, Aarin could tell themselves everything was fine without spiralling into a panic attack. 

 

How would a panic attack even look like in my state?

 

Their heart rate monitor beeped calmly back at them. With their luck, nothing at all it seemed. The privacy curtain parted and closed. More injections? Already? Time was a hazy blur. The hormone cocktail hadn’t been a fantastic experience, but the procedure was quick so Aarin could ignore it most of the time. Gloves were snapped on with a smack. That’s part of the normal routine. But those hands moved their gown off their chest. Aarin stiffened instantly. 

 

Wait, what’s going on? No. Please stop.

 

Air played across their chest — their bare chest. They shivered. The first telltale signs of anxiety crawled up their throat. The steady beeping sound stopped as fingers pulled electrodes off their skin. “Can’t believe they asked me to do this.” 

 

Garbina, Aarin’s mind identified instantly. As they squeezed their eyes shut, trying to focus on something else, anything else — the breathing tube scraping against the inside of their throat, the ickiness of the anal tube sitting in their rectum, the NG tube tickling their face. Their mind leapt straight to the sensation across their chest, focusing down on how wrong it felt, how exposed they were. Aarin screamed themselves hoarse. Their body remained still, unmoving. 

 

No… Please stop.

 

Water trickled as a cloth was wrung out over a wash basin. The wet fabric dragged across their skin. Cleaning, yes, but also touching, moving things that didn’t belonged. Aarin cringed. Their pulse thundered in their ears as their breathing grew difficult despite the ventilator. 

 

“Why the hell are we wasting resources on you? You’re a dead thing. We should just take you off life support and let you die.” Garbina hissed even as she worked. “My brother died you know? There weren’t enough sedatives, painkillers and anaesthetic, antibiotics for him. But you… you get to have it all. Even fucking hormones to make you produce eggs.” Venom spat from her lips. It would have chilled Aarin down to their bones if they weren’t also having a meltdown of their own.

 

Stop, just stop.

 

Aarin tried to pull their arms up to cover themselves. Their mouth opened and closed to speak, to cry, to shout. With the amount of emotions, they should have been vibrating from the sheer intensity of everything, but their body remained limp and utterly impotent. 

 

Their mind roared with a cacophony of their mother’s voice. The words she said were the same ones Aarin spent years listening to. The same voice had told them over and over again how wrong they were,  how ungrateful they had been, how regretful she had been to have given birth to a monster like them. These were words Aarin had beaten back years ago. But now, they were helpless against their onslaught. Their mother’s voice grew louder and louder until it was everything. 

 

“You should just die,” Garbina spat. Her poison mirrored that of Aarin’s mother’s. Aarin could no longer tell where one started and the other ended. “Give Pirro back to me. He deserved to live. You’re already dead, you should just—“
 

​

“What did you just say?” Another voice rang out, anger laced through every word. It pierced the storm in Aarin’s mind.

 

Silence rang loud in the wake of that question. Tension buzzed in the air as Aarin struggled to pull their mind together. 

 

“You can’t be here! This is a secure area, who are you?” Garbina shouted. 

 

The hands left Aarin’s body, but the wet cloth remained on their chest. Garbina yelped as a struggle broke out. “You’re not getting out of this that easily. I heard what you said! Are you sabotaging Aarin’s recovery?” 

 

Aarin blinked when they heard their name. That voice. They knew it and knew it well. Even in the throes of a panic attack, their heart yearned for the person attached to that voice. 

 

Joy!

 

“What recovery?” Garbina shouted, all pretence dropped. 

 

Grunts and growls came as bodies collided against the side of Aarin’s bed multiple times. They could see it in their mind’s eye. Joy — their joy — fighting Garbina, wrestling and battling to keep them safe. Despite their circumstances, their heart soared. 

 

Shouts boomed from a distance as boots rapidly approached. Grunts of exertion and shrieks of anger culminated when a plastic basin went flying and a wave of cold water splashed against Aarin. Their gown was entirely soaked through. If they could, they would be shivering and shaking. 

 

Joy… Please, please help. I’m dying. I must be dying…

 

Heart hammering so hard against their ribs, Aarin whimpered through gritted teeth. Their lungs fluttered uselessly in their chest as they struggled to breathe. Muscles coiled so tightly that everything hurt. But in truth, they never moved an inch. Their body betrayed none of this at all. 

 

“Get her out of here!” Joy shouted as the confused guards entered. Commands snapped out with a clear expectation for them to be followed. 

 

Joy, I can’t…

 

The whole thing with someone touching them — albeit with a wash cloth — their current exposure, the fact that there were even more people around them was much too overwhelming. Aarin wanted to disappear so that all those eyes would stop looking at them, at this wrong body of theirs. 

 

“What’s going on?” Hellen asked, her gait quick and agitated. 

 

“Garbina, she has a vendetta against Aarin,” Joy growled. “She can’t work here!”

 

Nobody spoke for a while. Joy didn’t have the right to give orders here despite being an officer and competent squad leader in her own right. She wasn’t in charge of the guards in the medical wing here. That much was clear. Hellen sighed. “Get her out of here.” 

 

For a moment, Aarin held their breath. 

 

“No! Listen to me! Why are we—“ Garbina’s voice receded as the guards dragged her away, judging by how much of a struggle she was putting up. 

 

Even before Garbina’s voice went out of earshot, Joy’s hand laced itself in theirs. She ignored everyone and squeezed their hand. That single touch did more for them than everything else put together. Her other hand cupped their cheek for a moment. 

 

Aarin knew it was Joy instantly. The shape of her hand, the way her callouses felt, the ways their hands just fit. They tried their best to turn their face into the touch, to deepen it, to tell her they were here, still here. But their body remained stubbornly still. Joy was their heart, their home, their safe harbour. She was the only person they trusted to see them without a binder. It took a long time to get there, but their trust in her was unshakable. 

 

“It’s me, Aarin. I’ll take care of you, all right? I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner. I should have...” Joy took a deep breath and let it go. “I’m here now. I’m here now okay? Everything will be okay.” Her hands worked as she spoke. Fabric brushed against their chest and covered the bits they couldn’t stand the most. It wasn’t the best solution but right now it was what either of them could do. 

 

Aarin nodded at her words. As she took the unwanted wash cloth away and whispered words of comfort against their ear, their mind quietened down. Tears brimmed and filled their eyes. With the release of all that tension, they finally cried. For a while, there was only Joy’s voice and her touch. But a shocked gasp shattered that fragile peace. 

 

“Hellen, Aarin’s crying. They are waking up!” 

 

Hellen approached and peeled the tape off Aarin’s eyes. “No Joy. I’m sorry but… Comatose patients can cry. Crying doesn’t mean they are waking up. In fact…” 

 

A hand lifted their blanket. Aarin stiffened all over again. Hellen knew their problem well. She was quick to replace the electrodes on their chest without pulling the blanket entirely off. A steady beeping filled the silence of the room again. “Look. Their vitals are stable. There’s no indication they were aware of what happened.” 

 

Joy sighed. She squeezed Aarin’s hand tightly. All her fear and anxiety was packed into a single gesture. “Maybe it’s for the better.” she whispered, her voice filled with defeat. “It’s probably for the better.” 

 

Please don’t give up on me. I’m here, Joy. I’m right here…

 

Joy didn’t speak, instead she let go of their hand. Hope died in Aarin. She grabbed a dry towel and rubbed it over their body. A clean gown replaced the wet one. Even with all that tenderness, despair drowned them. 

 

----

 

“You’re letting me in,” a voice snapped. 

 

Fei’s attention wandered out of the depths of his frustration. The endless drone and beeps from the machines surrounding him had been absolutely irritating. His only escape was into the depths of his mind. That’s where he stayed most of the time. When something new came to break through this tedium, his mind would perk up like a puppy caged up all day. New shit, new shit, exciting new shit! Or that’s how it felt. 

 

A reply came muffled and hushed from beyond the privacy curtain. 

 

“Me too.” Another voice piped up. 

 

Aliana?

 

He didn’t think Aliana could visit. In fact, he was pretty sure Minas made a comment about turning Aliana away just yesterday? Or was it the day before? What was even time when he couldn’t tell if it’s night or day? Nothing mattered because Aliana was here now. She could help. 

 

Aliana! Help me! Please help me! I’m going crazy here!

 

“Lieutenant, you know I can’t do that,” the guard all but begged.

 

“If it’s your partner in there, would you want me to keep you out?” the first voice asked. 

 

Fei recognised her voice. That was Lieutenant Valentine. She must be here to see Aarin, and she brought Aliana with her. Yes, yes! There was no stopping Valentine when she wanted something. He could already see in his mind’s eye — the look she would be levelling on the guard. They could crumble, he had no doubt about it. And then, Aliana could enter too. 

 

Struggling to moan around the ET tube, he tried to do something — anything — to get their attention. If the guard replied, he didn’t hear it. The next thing he knew was a hand, so small and gentle, taking his. 

 

“Oh Fei…” Aliana’s voice cracked, and Fei’s heart shattered along with it. 

 

“Talk to him. I’m sure he can hear you, us,” Joy whispered encouragingly. Aliana grunted shakily. “I’ll be over with Aarin.”

 

“Thank you, Joy. I wouldn’t be able to get in without you.” Aliana’s voice shifted as her head turned away. 

 

“We have to stick together, we, the lovers of our big brave dummies,” Joy replied. Her footsteps receded. The privacy curtain was drawn close again. 

 

Aliana sighed as she shifted her weight. The chair creaked. Fei tried to squeeze her hand back, to offer what little comfort he could. Of course, his hand didn’t move. He couldn’t anything. Tears brimmed over and soaked the tape over his eyes. If only he could just open them and look at Aliana, but even that was denied to him. 

 

I’m here… I’m okay…

 

“Silly boy… Why did you volunteer for this assignment? I’d rather that we never met than you have you like this,” Aliana whispered. Every word came out shaky and broken. She sighed and squeezed his hand. “Silly boy, my silly boy…” Her lips pressed against his knuckles as tears fell onto his skin. 

 

No, please don’t say that. You’re the reason I come home every single time. I didn’t realise I’ve given up on Alagan before you. With you, I see why we fight.

 

“They haven’t been shaving for you.” Aliana ran her hand over his chin. His stubble scraped roughly. “I could shave for you. I know you hate it, even though I think you look good with a little facial hair.” Her finger drifted up his jaw towards the tube holder strapped to his face. It chafed. “But...” 

 

Fei could hear all the pain unspoken in the space between her words. Launching himself into yet another attempt of moving, of speaking, of doing something that wasn’t just laying there and not doing any-fucking-thing, his anger flared. It had nowhere to go but inwards. All those knives, all those sharp and pointed rage slammed into his chest over and over. 

 

Aliana sighed. She pressed a kiss against his temple. Her fingers gripped his arm tightly, her attempt to reach him, even though he was already here. “Come home, Fei. Come home soon to me. I’m waiting for you.” 

 

I’m here. I’m already home, Aliana. Please see me, hear me!

 

His fists thumped against one way mirror between them. He could look out, but nobody could see him. He was a ghost, a shapeless and formless fog. Here and not at the same time, he was the invisible man alone on his island of one.

 

Aliana stiffened and pulled away from him. Tears streamed down the corners of his eyes at the loss of the contact. This was harder than he had expected. To have her this close and not being able to do anything was sheer torture. 

 

“Fei, are you crying because you can hear me?” Aliana asked.

​

Yes! YES!

 

The privacy curtain parted, and a pair of footsteps approached. “I’m sorry, Aliana,” Malcom said. 

 

Aliana stiffened. Her hand took Fei’s protectively. “Please don’t ask me to go. My shift doesn’t start for another hour.” 

 

“Oh no. I know that.” Malcom replied. He sighed heavily as he shuffled his weight from one foot to the other. “But you must know Fei can’t hear you. His body is on life support. It’s impossible that he can hear you.”

 

NO! Fuck you, Malcom! Fuck you! I am here. I AM here!

 

This must be how he go insane. Fei had no doubt it now. To be here, present, and listen as people insisted that he wasn’t, that he was as good as dead, would be how he go mad. Even Aliana couldn’t see, hear, feel that he was awake. More tears streamed down the sides of his face. There wasn’t enough to convince anyone of anything, he was sure of it. 

 

Aliana’s nails bit into his skin as Malcom went on explaining. “Those tears... they are just a natural body reaction.” 

 

She inhaled but didn’t exhale. Piece by piece, she packed up her grief and held it all in. “May I?” Her free hand swished over Fei. “I know I’m not his nurse but...” 

 

“Yes. You know where the supplies are. I just wanted to tell you that he is scheduled for a procedure tomorrow. Fox and Surco will be testing the new serum on him and Aarin a couple of days after that. You might want to be here for it,” Malcom said. 

“I will.” 

 

With the parting of the privacy curtains, they were alone again. Aliana let out the breath she had been holding in. It was wet and exhausted. “Let’s get you cleaned up okay? So you don’t have to cry anymore.”

 

Carefully, she peeled the tape from his eyes. In the course of cleaning his eyes, Aliana moved his eyelids slightly.

 

I can see.

 

Seeing was probably an overstatement. With how long his eyes had been sealed, everything was a blur. And the light hurt. Aliana pulled his eyelids wide open and applied eye drops into them. But for a split moment, Fei could see Aliana. And she could him. Their eyes met. Time stretched and warped in that heightened way.

 

Aliana...

 

“Fei?” Aliana whispered. His name hovered in the air between them. Close but not touching, he could feel her breath against his face. 

 

The light stabbed his eyes. It hurt. Fei couldn’t blink, and so he stared and stared. 

 

Aliana, please. I’m here. I AM HERE!

 

More tears streamed down his face, a mix of the light affecting his eyes and his emotions pouring forth. Aliana clenched her jaw and shook her head. Her fingers gently eased his eyelids shut again. 

 

No, no, no!!!

 

Her lips grazed over his eyelids, once on each side. And finally, tape sealed them shut once more. Fei was entombed in his body. He couldn’t stop the tears as he screamed and screamed and screamed.