“Fei?” Aliana’s voice tickled his mind. 

 

Layers and layers of gauze had muffled all his senses. His body weighed a million tonnes and his groin—

 

Fei pulled his mind away sharply. 

 

Despite how much care and respect the team had done the procedure with, it didn’t take away from the fact that he was screaming his head off, trying to stop everything. He didn’t want any part of it. Now, beyond the exhaustion that weighed his soul down, was an anger he never knew before. It simmered in his chest. 

 

“What happened? Where did you take him? Did something happen?” Aliana asked as her hand took his.

 

The gurney still rattled and shook as they travelled down the corridor back towards his room — his jail cell. “He just got through the extraction. It was rough,” Malcom answered with hesitation. “Be with him. I’ll talk to your shift supervisor. You get the rest of the day off. Tomorrow, we will be administering the serum.” 

 

“Tomorrow?” Aliana sounded hopeful, her thrill at this turn of events was evident in how hard she squeezed his hand. “Fei… soon this nightmare will be over.” 

 

Fei wasn’t so sure. Hope felt like a lie. After what had happened, he didn’t know if he could face himself again liek before. His groin and anus throbbed with every beat of his heart. He couldn’t forget even if he wanted to. 

 

*They’d want more if I survive, won’t they? They’d want more. More…*

 

His chest clenched tight around his heart as his anxiety climbed. The monitors beeped at the change. 

 

“Malcom, why is his heart rate increasing? It hasn’t done so before. Is he waking up?” Aliana asked. 

 

The gurney rolled to a stop. Hands reached towards Fei, touching him, brushing against his skin. 

 

*Please stop… Please… I have nothing more to give.*

 

But all those hands were only shifting him back onto his bed. Malcom shifted close. “Fei, I’m going to listen to your heart.” 

 

*No… Don’t touch me.*

 

Nobody cared. Not even Aliana could stop those hands from touching, violating and taking bits and pieces of him for themselves. His blanket was removed, his gown loosened and pulled down to his chest. Fei shivered. 

 

*Please…* 

 

But all of his pleading and begging fell on deaf ears. A cold circular object pressed against his chest. He tried to cringe away. Of course, he didn’t move an inch. He might as well be dead for all that he could control. 

 

“Maybe he’s experiencing pain,” Malcom suggested. 

 

“Pain why? Did something go wrong?” Aliana asked. 

 

Shame burnt against Fei’s face as Malcom related what had happened. Events were sanitised of course, but the gist of it was all there. 

 

“Oh Fei…” Aliana whispered as she squeezed his hand again. 

 

Even if he had no choice in the matter, no choice in how his body did what it did, he hated any comfort he got. He wanted to disappear, he wanted to cease to exist. 

 

“Let’s up his pain meds. Maybe a topical gel for his anus?” Malcom suggested. Someone pulled his gown back up to cover his chest. 

 

*No… Please… I can’t… I just…*

 

“How about we just go with the pain meds?” Aliana suggested. “The topical gel can wait.” Relief and gratitude flooded Fei instantly. *Listen to her, listen to Aliana. Please.* 

 

Malcom didn’t reply right away as he stifled a yawn. 

 

“You look exhausted,” Aliana went on. “Why don’t you let me take care of Fei for a bit?”

“I shouldn’t let you,” Malcom replied. 

 

“But you’re going to let me,” Joy insisted. “Otherwise I’m going to get Joy to speak to you.” 

 

“Threats huh,” Malcom chuckled. “All right. I’m too tired to argue.” He shifted and rested his hand on Fei’s arm. “Fei wouldn’t want me around anyway. I…” He sighed heavily again. “Just spend what time you can with him. I’ll go after I administer his painkillers.”

 

Fei lay still, shaking and crying between relief and shame. The medicated seared a path into his body through his central line.  Aliana pulled the bed rail down. She leaned on his arm. No words were needed. Her presence, her scent and her touch were his anchor. Back and forth, her thumb ran over his knuckles. 

 

Between the drugs and Aliana’s presence, Fei relaxed inch by inch. But when he let his guard down, the memories, the sensations of the procedure came flooding back. Tears brimmed and flowed down his check. 

 

Aliana didn’t move to clean him up like how she used to. Instead, she kissed his tears away. “Today has been hard. I can only imagine how scared you were.” Her thumb dragged itself through his wet cheeks, trying to wipe the flood of tears away. “So cry. It’s okay. You’re only human, Fei. But please come home? I just miss you so much. I want to hear your voice, I want to see your eyes, I want to kiss you properly.” 

 

Fei sobbed harder. The weight against his chest didn’t ease. The discomfort he now had with people touching him didn’t magically get better. The feeling he had been hollowed out by the very people he had trusted hurt more than anything else. He cried until oblivion took him. 

 

----

 

“Hey handsome,” someone whispered against Aarin’s ear. A hand took theirs. Their fingers laced together. “Heard you had a tough day today.” The chair next to their bed scraped against the floor as a weight rested in its seat. Without needing to see their face or hear her speak, Aarin knew it was Joy. Her gait, her scent gave her away. 

 

*It’s not an experience I would like to repeat, if you catch my drift.*

 

“I bet if it’s me doing it,” Joy chuckled. “I can make it hot.”

 

Heat rushed to Aarin’s groin despite how bruised they felt between their legs. All the topical gel left on the base didn’t ease the discomfort in the slightest. They had a functioning libido despite their current predicament. And today had been more than a little unsatisfactory. 

 

*I have no doubt about it, Joy. You make everything smoking hot. Trust me.*

 

Despite the lightness in Joy’s voice, her grip tightened around Aarin’s hand. She huffed a soft sigh as she pressed Aarin’s hand against her face. Her face was so hot they wondered if she was having a fever. “Don’t you think you have slept long enough?” 

 

Aarin’s heart gave an uncomfortable lurch. *I’m here, Joy. I am here.* 

 

“I’m tired of not having my handsome partner with me. The bed is very empty without you. I go out on missions, but I can’t concentrate. I never know if Hellen would me that you died while I’m away. I never know if you’re going to slip away and walk down a path I can’t follow.” Joy’s voice broke.

 

The ache in Aarin’s chest intensified. They longed to open their eyes, to brush all of Joy’s fears away. They were here, right here with her. *Joy, please… Don’t give up on me.*

 

Tears fell on Aarin’s arm. One drop, then a couple more, before a sob broke free of Joy’s throat. *Move! Fucking move, hand!* If there was any time to break free of their body’s bonds, it was now — to wipe the tears from Joy’s face. But their arm, their fucking body, remained stubbornly still. Letting out a growl of frustration, Aarin hated their body — their prison. 

 

“I will wait, Aarin. You hear me? I will wait for you no matter how long it takes,” Joy begged. “But please don’t go where I can’t follow, okay?”

 

Aarin’s heart cracked.

 

“Don’t leave me here alone without you.” Joy pressed her lips on their brow. “I love you, Aarin Shin. I love you so damn much.” 

 

Just like that, their heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. This was no life for either of them at all. Hopefully that would change one way or another tomorrow. 

 

----

 

“Are we all ready?” Fox asked. 

 

“Serum prepped. What about the patients?” A new voice asked. 

 

*Got to be Surco.*

 

Fei couldn’t say how long he had slept, but when he was next aware, his bed was moving. Thank fuck nobody attempted to touch him beyond checking on all the various tubes he had in him. The bed stopped moving when it bumped against another. 

 

“Their vitals stable and in the normal range,” Hellen replied. 

 

“Crash carts on standby,” Malcom piped up. 

 

*Crash carts? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it’s happening. It’s really happening now.*

 

A hand took his — Aliana’s. “Everything will be okay, Fei. I’ll be here with you. No matter what.” 

 

*If it’s happening now, then… that’s Aarin beside me.* 

 

To prove him correct, he heard Joy’s voice whispering similar things to Aarin. 

 

“Let’s get the pads on their chests,” Fox instructed. “Just in case.”

 

Someone, Fei couldn’t tell who, pulled his gown down and applied a pair of tingly cold gel pads over his chest. These were AED pads. They were expecting him to crash, to die. 

 

“No, let me do it. Aarin cannot abide to have their chest exposed,” Joy cut in, stopping someone else doing something similar to the Lieutenant. 

 

Feet shuffled, and the pads changed hands. Maybe Fei imagined it, but the sour tang of fear was pouring off Aarin in waves. Maybe it was his own as well. Right now, he couldn’t be sure of anything. 

 

Aarin was a good leader, an excellent commander. Barely anyone knew their top dysphoria was this bad. They were, if nothing else, good at hiding their vulnerabilities.  

 

He was glad Joy was here for them, and Aliana for him. This was the last thing he wanted to go through alone as selfish as that might be. With an injection of the serum into his central line, he could die in a horrifying way. Maybe with blood flowing out of his eyes or something equally as bad, and Aliana would have to bear witness to it. Even then, knowing that was a distinct possibility, he didn’t want to be alone, only surrounded by people who wanted to take from him. 

 

“It will be okay, Fei.” Aliana whispered again. 

 

*I don’t have your optimism, Aliana. If I had it before, it’s long gone.*

 

“Done,” Joy replied.

 

“Let’s begin then,” Fox suggested. “There’s no point waiting around.” 

 

“Wait, wait…” Joy cried. An edge of panic and anxiety rang through her voice. “Just give me, give us, a fucking moment.”

 

Fei could guess what Joy was doing — kissing maybe, touching Aarin tenderly probably. Those two were hopelessly in love, it was pretty clear to see. He pulled his attention away from Joy’s whispered “I love yous” to concentrate on Aliana. That’s who his heart beat on for. 

 

*I love you, Aliana.*

 

“I love you, Fei.”

 

Aliana spoke the same time he thought his. Fei chuckled. *You read my mind, love.*

 

Lips pressed against his brow, long, slow and tender, like a goodbye kiss. Fei’s breath hitched, but he bit down hard against the lump in his throat. He wasn’t going to cry. It was too late for it. *See you later, Aliana.*

 

“All right, I’m ready,” Joy said. “We are ready.” 

 

“Us too,” Aliana added. 

 

Fei swallowed hard and did his best to squeeze Aliana’s hand. No such luck. His hand remained as limp as ever. 

 

“All right, doctors please standby. Summer, you take the Lieutenant. I’ll do the Corporal.” Shoes shuffled against the floor as everyone took their places. 

 

Aliana reluctantly let go of Fei’s hand, tucking it under the blanket. Someone stood next to him. Fox no doubt. She fiddled with his central line. If there was a signal, he didn’t hear it. One moment he was just existing, the next something flowed into him. 

 

It burnt. But it felt no different from any other drug Fei had gotten. They all seared to a greater or less degree. He listened. The machines beeped steadily. Nobody moved. Everyone seemed to have left the room or were holding their breaths. Nothing happeneded. The clock hanging on the wall ticked on relentlessly.

 

Nothing changed. Until it did. 

 

A heart rate monitor blared its alarm. And then it screamed. Fei didn’t feel any different. So that meant—

 

“Aarin!” Joy’s voice pierced through the noise. 

 

The bed creaked and groaned as a body convulsed against it. For the first time since Fei woke up, he heard Aarin’s voice. A soft choking noise poured from their throat despite the breathing tube. A shiver ran down Fei’s spine. Was this what awaited him? Was he—

 

The long whine of a heart flatlining filled the air. Hellen’s voice, barking orders, rang out over everything else. Even Joy’s stifled sobs. 

 

“One, two, three, breathe,” Hellen huffed as she started CPR. 

 

Fei squeezed his eyes shut. Dread took hold of him. His breath oddly, despite the ventilator, wouldn’t come quick enough, his heart laboured a little harder. Sound warped as the voices fell away to muffled echoes. A beeping rang out beside him as pain pierced his very being. A rod rammed its way down his spine. Fire lit him from the inside out. 

 

Fei screamed, and he didn’t, at the same time. For the first time in weeks, he moved. Just like Aarin. Muscles contracted and relaxed in quick succession. Twisting and squeezing so hard, it took his breath away. Despite the restraints on his wrists, he managed to free. Control was out of the window. This wasn’t him at all. The serum took control. And it was killing him, them. 

 

“Fei! Fei!” Aliana screamed. “Hold on!”

 

With her voice ringing in his ears, Fei fell away into darkness. He couldn’t even think a last “I love you” at her. 

 

----

 

A steady beeping pressed against Aarin’s consciousness. 

 

*What…*

 

A tube was lodged down their throat. Air rushed into their lungs, willing or not. 

 

*Oh… This again.*

 

“—don’t you think?” A hand squeezed theirs for a moment and then pulled away. 

 

*Joy? What happened?*

 

A wet cloth ran over their legs, first on the left and then the right. “About time you wake up and shower on your own, you know?”

 

*I remember… Pain?* Memories pressed up against Aarin’s mind in a flurry. Being locked in, being touched, Joy’s arrival and then—  *I guess nothing worked right? Cause I’m still here — stuck.*

 

A second voice approached. “Hey Joy, how’s Aarin? Still being a sleepy head?” 

 

“Yeah,” Joy huffed. “Hellen expects them to wake soon. They had been showing signs since they eased off the sedatives. How’s Fei?” 

 

*Wait, wait, wait… Sedatives? But I thought there wasn’t enough? They needed it for the other soldiers. Don’t waste medical supplies on me! I’m not worthy of it. I’m nothing but a fucking burden!*

 

In the sheer intensity of their emotions, Aarin moved. More specifically, their finger twitched. 

 

“Joy, Joy, Joy!” Aliana interrupted herself. “I think…” 

 

“What? What’s going on?” Joy asked. 

 

*No, no, no! Why are they wasting fucking drugs on me? Just let me die. Please just let me—*

 

“Look!” Aliana explained. “You saw that?” 

 

“Aarin! Aarin, can you hear me?” Joy whispered. She laced her fingers between theirs. “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me, Aarin.” 

 

Aarin frowned and squeezed hard. All their fingers did was curl inwards. It was hardly something anyone would have labelled as a squeeze. But—

 

*I can move. I can fucking move!*

 

“I need Hellen here, I need Hellen!” Joy shouted as she let go of Aarin’s hand to reach for something else. 

 

In that moment, Aarin got anxious and tightened their grip around Joy’s hand. The tube in their throat was an impediment now, the tape over their eyes a nuisance. Their free arm fumbled and tugged on their breathing tube. 

 

“No, no, no, Aarin. Don’t do that. We have to wait for Hellen,” Joy coaxed as she held their arm down. 

 

Strength returned to their body slowly, but they could move again. That knowledge fuelled their weak struggles to be truly alive once more. 

 

----

 

Fei stared ahead at the TV, seeing but not watching the images playing across it. The war was over, the world saved, the tears  across reality closed. 

 

He and Aarin had been hailed heroes for being the pioneering batch of super soldiers — people who saved lives and paved the ways for the others. But mostly because they had contributed their bodies to science. The improved serum had allowed the military to churn out more super soldiers. From there, it was only a matter of brute forcing their problem. 

 

Aliana had filled him in with what she knew. The last mission they were out on went bad — very bad. Only Aarin and himself made it back. Nobody had expected them to survive. But with the serum coursing through their veins, they pulled through. However, they weren’t waking up. That lasted for twelve months. 

 

*Had I been awake for that long? It didn’t feel like it.*

 

Then, Fox and Surco finalised an improved version of their serum and had gotten approval to test it out on them. 

 

Fei asked question after question, trying to piece together the 365 days he had lost. But when he got to *that part* he had almost stopped. The grief in Aliana’s eyes was almost too much. But he needed to know more than he needed to hide. She didn’t deny him the knowledge. 

 

*I died for a good ten minutes again.*

 

Twice in a single lifetime was more than enough. The next time he wanted it to be when he was old and grey. He sighed and tipped his head back against his pillow. Despite all the answers he had gotten, he couldn’t say why he wanted to know all of it. It wasn’t going to give him back the time he lost. 

 

*I should be happy. Just concentrate on recovery and get my ass out of here.*

 

But Fei wasn’t grateful, he wasn’t satisfied. His aversion to touch remained horribly bad. Nobody but Aliana could touch him. Even then, she had to warn him. Malcom had recommended therapy, but if he couldn’t even tell Aliana why, how was he going to speak to stranger about it. 

 

“—you okay?” Aarin’s voice intruded his thoughts. 

 

Fei turned over and looked at his room mate. He grunted. “Yeah, why do you think something is wrong?” 

 

“Well the broadcast is over, and they have been playing the same kiddy song for five times in a row, and you haven’t switch the channel,” Aarin pointed out. 

 

“Oh…” Fei grabbed the remote and fumbled with it for a little bit, turning the volume up and down and switching channels before finally finding the button to turn it off. “There, done.” Fine motor control was something he had been working at. That and being able to walk for more than a couple of metres down the corridor without feeling winded. 

 

Aarin didn’t look away, they stared at him. “You’re not okay.” 

 

Fei glared at Aarin, but he didn’t confirm or deny. 

 

*How would they know how I feel? They weren’t trapped in their body, unable to speak and—*

 

He squeezed his eyes shut lest they betrayed the anxiety that threatened to eat him whole. “I’m fine.” 

 

“You’re not” Aarin insisted. “Come on. I’ve known you for a long time. How many missions have we ran together before we got the serum. You’re not okay, Fei.” 

 

Taking deep breaths to calm himself, he clenched and unclenched his fists. He resented how quickly they took everything in their stride, how they weren’t bothered by any of it. But if he had slept the entire year, he would just be like Aarin too. 

 

*Nobody knew I knew. Nobody else was locked in like I was.*

 

“Fei, talk to me. You can’t just keep it all bottled up.” 

 

“You don’t understand!” Fei shouted. 

 

Aarin flinched and then went very still. They held their hands up in mock surrender. “What don’t I understand?”

 

He gritted his teeth and shook his head. The poisonous words lay poised on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t want to unleash them on someone who didn’t deserve them. He wanted to reserve all those cutting words for Malcom, Fox and Surco. The blame lay at their feet. Logical or not, that was how he saw it. 

 

“Fei, please… Let me help you. If you need me to, I can make it an order,” Aarin pressed. They never knew when to leave things alone. “Corporal Yu, status report—

 

Fei sliced the air with his hand. “I am not your subordinate. That part of my life is done! I don’t care about the military anymore! They have… They have taken everything I had and then some more.”

 

Aarin’s voice went quiet. “What do you mean?” 

 

Fei wasn’t listening any longer. He frantically, pulled the blanket off his legs. This was the last thing he wanted to talk about, he had to leave now. Aarin sighed heavily. “Stay where you are, unless you want me to hit the call button. Fei, you’re not ready to just go prancing off on your own!”

 

Aarin’s voice snapped with command. That made he freeze. His grip on the bed rails were white knuckled tight. Aarin grunted as they crossed the short distance between their beds. They were in no better shape than he was. So the walk was painstakingly slow and careful. 

 

They didn’t ask for an invitation and sat down next to him. “I’m going to hold your hands now, Fei.” 

 

Fei nodded. Shame burnt his face. Even Aarin had learnt what he couldn’t handle any longer. Somehow, it made everything worse. “Squeeze my hands.” 

 

He did as Aarin bade. His hands closed around Aarin’s tightly, so tightly they shook. The skin on skin contact made his anxiety easier to bear. His breathing evened out, the world didn’t feel so loud and heavy. 

 

“Were you awake?” Aarin whispered. Their voice was so quiet that Fei had almost missed their question. “Were you—“ 

 

Fei nodded. He didn’t dare voice the answer as if if he did, it would happen all over again. He nodded harder for emphasis. Their eyes met his. “You too?”

 

“Yes…” 

 

That broke the dam inside Fei. The tears came hard and fast, he leaned and clung to Aarin. All his experiences spewed out of him in a deluge without Aarin’s prompting. They understood his predicament well, too well. Aarin didn’t ask any questions, they just accepted the outpouring of emotions. 

 

----

 

“Aliana! Fei!” Joy called out, waving at the approaching pair. “Come on, Aarin, race you over!” 

 

She took off laughing. Aarin chuckled, but they weren’t going to let her win easily. Despite having been a super soldier, it took them a long time to recover their strength and stamina. It had been a medical feat any of its own to be able to walk out of the hospital under their own power. Three months of rehab later, it saw them discharged from the military with all honours. It took Aarin just as long to convince Fei to speak to Aliana and find a therapist. They went their separate ways and only occasionally met up when they had follow up appointments that coincided. 

 

Aarin ran after Joy. Their legs carried them down the path powerfully. It wasn’t as fast as before, but they could still run about as fast as an average person. They counted it as a win. Catching up with Joy, they scooped her up into their arms. Her laughter filled their ears. That was the best reward Aarin could ever ask for.

 

There at the park, nobody recognised them. Aarin and Fei might be hailed as heroes, but they were nothing more than names people read about in the footnotes of history. Their names meant more in medical papers. Fox and Surco, also heroes in their own right, had written much about both of them as case studies. Sure, their names were redacted and changed. Those who knew, knew. 

 

Fei laughed. “Are you both of you ten or what?” 

“Young at heart,” Aarin retorted as they put Joy down. That entire thing earned them a peck on the cheek. “And I got a kiss out of it too.”

 

Aliana leaned over to kiss Fei’s cheek. He grinned. “I don’t need to act like ten to get a kiss. My wife is nice that way.” 

 

Aarin snorted. It was the first anniversary of their discharge from the hospital. They had set up a little get together, just to catch up. With the spread of food between the four of them, they talked and ate. Updates of their lives flew by. Conversations flowed. Fei and Aliana got married. Joy and Aarin had purchased a home together and adopted a cat. In between all the teasing and laughter, Aarin asked Fei, when they got a chance to be alone, “Did you see a therapist after?” 

 

Fei stiffened, there was a flare of, not anger, but hurt. He blinked, and it was gone again. “Yes.” 

 

“Good. I’m glad.” Aarin replied and opened their arms for a hug. 

 

Fei hesitated, the motion was so small it was barely noticeable if Aarin didn’t know to look for it. They waited patiently and he accepted it wordlessly by leaning into their arms. Rubbing his face, they whispered, “I’m proud of you, Fei. Remember that.” 

 

He grunted and choked a rather wet sounding, “Yeah. I know.” When they parted, his eyes were dry. “What about you? How’s the leg healing?” 

 

Aarin stretched one leg out and rotated their ankle. “You saw me running earlier right? What do you think?”

 

“Show off,” he snorted. 

 

“We all bear our scars differently. Outwardly, we might not look different from anyone else. But we all suffer just the same. I’ve been seeing a therapist too, so does Joy. Nightmares and panic attacks, it’s common for both of us,” Aarin went on. 

 

“Same… but it’s getting better,” Fei admitted. “Having this…” He gestured at the park. The trees and grass thriving and green, picnic mats and people dotting the field, kids and pets running wild as laughter filled the air. “It makes it all bearable.” 

 

“I know what you mean. It doesn’t erased what we have gone through, contract or not. It is still trauma nonetheless. But we will heal, we will find a new normal,” Aarin squeezed his shoulder. “Of that I have no doubt.” 

 

Fei nodded. This time, he initiated the hug and squeezed the breath out of Aarin’s lungs. “Thank you, Aarin.” 

 

They coughed and shook their head. “Thank Aliana, thank your family. They helped you. All I did was to talk to you.” 

 

Both of them walked back towards their partners. Aarin couldn’t help but smile at the sight of Joy. They were pretty sure Fei had a similar expression on his face for Aliana. “How’s your sister taking to her international stardom?” 

 

“Ruo?” Fei laughed. “Badly. She and her girlfriend, Dagna, hated being the faces of the heroes of Alagan.” 

 

The wounded healed, the suffering found relief, and the world spun on as Aarin and Fei did their best to put all they had been through behind them, a little at a time, every single day.